Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Predicting Hospital Philosophy and Affiliation by Observation of Emergency Department Waiting Room Television Programming: An Empiric Study

In order to help health care consumers determine the proper hospital for their needs, observation of emergency department waiting room television programming is an effective guide to hospital philosophy and affiliation.

• Catholic hospitals—Eternal World Television Network (ETWN) showing the classic reruns of Mother Angelica or "Father Thomas discusses the sin of masturbation."

• Episcopal hospitals (Catholic Light)—National Geographic Channel featuring “Shark Attacks in the Holy Land.”

• Methodist hospitals—local news and weather, followed by "Dancing with the Stars."

• Baptist hospitals—Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) showing Pat Robertson or his son experiencing another psychotic break.

• Seventh Day Adventist hospitals—Home and Garden Network showing “Experiencing serenity through vegetarian diets.”

• Children’s hospitals—Cartoon Network showing "Sponge Bob, Square Pants" or "Teletubbies."

• Women’s hospitals—any of the estrogen networks (e.g., “Oh” or “Lifetime Movie Network”) featuring the episode where Ophrah learns about the “G spot” or some movie about how cruel husbands are to their wives.

• Boutique hospital—professionally produced and narrated biography of staff physician Phar Ting Mann, MD and his contribution to the silicone industry (running continuously).

• University Trauma Center—almost invisible television image, but appears to be “Jackass” or “America’s Best Police Chases.”

• County hospital—crude local production of patient education video entitled “Good Parents Don’t Put Their Children or Pets in the Microwave” alternating with "Los buenos padres no ponen sus bebés o animales domésticos en el horno microondas."

• Rural Hospital—analog television showing reruns of “Green Acres” or “Blue Collar Comedy Tour.”

• VA hospital—C-SPAN covering the riveting Senate vote on limiting Red Snapper fishing off the coast of Alabama.

• Inner City hospital—Repeated viewing of “Cribs” or “America’s Most Wanted” (before the television is stolen).

• Multi-Specialty Clinic hospitals—A&E Network showing the surgical separation of conjoined twins from Pakistan.

• Jewish hospitals—Bloomberg network with constant stock exchange ticker.

• Community hospital—40 inch plasma showing either “The Jerry Springer Show” or “Judge Alex.”

• Psychiatric hospitals
--A&E Television showing "Intervention."

• Military hospitals--TV Land showing reruns of "M*A*S*H" or "Hogan's Heroes."

This guide can be printed for patients (clients to nursing) to keep in their wallet as a handy reference. They make great stocking stuffers or Hanukah gifts!

1 comment:

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